Hello 2012 - or Is that really someone else's title that I like or am I just a copy cat with no true opinions of my own?

Welcome to 2012. I have started the year. I ate carrot cake for breakfast and finished reading Tina Fey's Bossypants, which I recommend. I love to laugh out loud and this is a perfect book for that. You don't have to have watched SNL or 30 Rock to enjoy it. (Sorry Tina, I've actually never seen much of your work but I love your book!)

Last year sucked. Last year was also really great. No matter how bad life gets, I am NEVER very far from a place of complete gratitude for my life as it is. That gratitude, on occasion, manifests itself as joy. (Joy is always appropriately ephemeral – too much joy means you are off your meds.)

2011 was the year in which I finally thought to ask, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!” Out loud, without trying to change all of the elements of the situation and without trying to change my part of the situation. I just have watched, felt and wondered. I had many moments when all I could think about was Julie Roberts' character in Runaway Bride trying out different kinds of eggs to see which ones she likes. But that character is in her 30s at the latest. And I know what kind of eggs I like BUT WHAT ABOUT EVERYTHING ELSE? I mean, REALLY?!?! I am writing this blog because my best friend Mary Beth started writing a blog. Hers is actually well-written, and even better, well read. And she started to write it in part because she liked to write and keep journals but did not want to prater on about herself like I am doing now. I've decided it will be ok though. It's like finding out which eggs I like but on a much larger scale, like what do I like to EVERYTHING. (Also, Mary Beth - hi! - is the only person who reads this consistently and I might need feedback.)

In 2011, in part because someone very dear to me kept saying to "look for patterns," I noticed lots of patterns. Bad patterns. Generational patterns. Scary generational patterns. It was like a few years ago, when trying on jeans at a store that has those three way mirrors, I saw my mother’s butt in the mirror. Which was really frightening because my mother was 150 miles away. I do not care for said patterns anymore than I care for said butt that, it turns out belongs, TO ME. It's not my fault, I couldn't see it and had no idea what was going on behind me. That is not necessarily true of these other patterns.

I have also been positively validated this year; that I have made many good decisions, raised amazing children, have worked very hard at my job and have contributed to my community.

2011 taught me that I am now a fully, fledged grown-up, who is still capable of making mistakes. (One day I will explain why it has taken me until I am 46 to feel like a full-fledged grown-up. I actually think I have even made this same statement before on this very blog. I am going to start to categorize the blogs. "Grown-up Now!" is going to be a category.)

In 2012 I will embrace the grown-up puzzle. I won’t finish it. I have too much ADD and lack impulse control. (This is also why this might be my first and last 2012 blog post.) But in 2012 when I move around the puzzle pieces and I put together two pieces that don’t fit, attempt to make them fit, look embarrassingly way from their stuck together awkwardness and then leave the puzzle for an unspecified too long of time, I will forgive myself. I will ACKNOWLEDGE that I made a mistake, realize that it is ok and move on.